So I have been debating with myself on whether or not to write about this emotional quest of mine, questioning if it is too personal for me to share. But then I realized that while I am couping with this internally that maybe writing about it will help me. Right now it seems like a very lonely road, and I know that there are people out there going through the same thing so maybe this will help you too.
Right now you are probably wondering what in the world I am talking about.....well to get there I have to tell a story first...
While my husband and I were dating and even right after we got married having kids to me wasn't really something I wanted. I used to think that if I got pregnant that it would feel unnatural, as if there was an alien inside of me. The thought of it grossed me out and I wanted nothing to do with it. I figured if my husband and I wanted kids that we could adopt or figure out some other option, but me pushing a kid out was completely out of the question.
A little over a year ago during a time of mourning from the loss of a family member, my maternal instincts kicked in high gear and hit me like a ton of bricks. I was holding my cousins new baby girl in my arms, and while she was sleeping on me I felt a longing to have a child of my own. Right after that I told my husband that it was time, I was going to get off of birth control and we weren't going to prevent anything . I had the "talk" with my Lady Dr. so that they didn't ask those annoying questions of why I am no longer on birth control and the effects it can have, blah blah blah.....My Lady Dr. proceeded to tell me to just keep doing what I am doing but if I didn't get pregnant by Thanksgiving last year to come back in. The problem with this is that after getting off of birth control mother nature never kicked in. So after many months of not preventing but not trying, I had yet to receive my "monthly gift" (if one could ever call it that) nor a positive sign on a pee stick.
When I was getting ready to go back to the Dr. I had a flashback of a conversation that my best friend and I had many years ago, before children were ever in question. She asked me what I would do if I couldn't have kids. The funny thing is, is that I always had this feeling that it was going to be me. That it was going to be difficult, but I brushed it aside and put on a smile and told the truth. For my best friend I would do anything, and I told her I would carry her baby for her if she couldn't have kids and if I couldn't I would adopt. Thinking about this brought back that hunch, that inclination that getting pregnant was going to be a battle.
As I arrived to my appointment it was the typical Dr setting. You sit and you wait and wait and wait, even though you had a scheduled appointment 3 hours ago, but you can't just walk out and leave. As my name got called and I was finally in my room and I over heard the Dr saying that he had an emergency and needed to leave the office. The nurses told him that he needed to see me and to take the time to talk to me, and so he did reluctantly. I told him how my husband and I were trying to conceive but my monthly 'ahemm' had not come. He said very shortly that "it SOUNDS like you are not ovulating" and then continued to explain to me that he was going to prescribe this medication for me to take and gave me strict step by step instructions on when to take the medication and when to "get busy." This all seemed so very strange to me, why hasn't he ordered me to do some type of testing its not normal to not get a monthly surprise? why is he just assuming that this is what is wrong? But I did what I was told, and again it failed.
Many trips back to the Dr and over a year later they finally decided that it was time for me to see a fertility specialist. I told them that I was not going to see a specialist in Florida, but I was going to wait until I got to Texas since I was moving in just a month. After having my Dr ASSUME what was wrong I was fed up with the Dr's in Florida and wanted to have a fresh start.
Just a few weeks ago I had my first appointment with the Texas Fertility Clinic, and we sat and talked about everything I had been through with my Dr in Florida. They were just as curious as I was, why hadn't anyone tried to figure out the reasoning behind my lack of cycles, since still to this date I have yet to be normal? As we talked they explained to me all the different testing they were going to conduct, and though it was VERY overwhelming I finally felt like I was going to get some answers, like someone finally cared what I was going through. Although we were going to have to start from square one, I finally feel like I am getting somewhere.
This is where my journey begins. I want to write about it, to help myself and others who find themselves in the same boat as me. To try and cope with this emotional ride.
